Complied by Krissy Christensen
What is it like to have you child die?
Krissy has many friends and relatives who have experienced the loss of a child – through miscarriage, stillbirth, death as a child or young person, or death of an adult child.
This book contains some of their stories – told in their own words. Their stories talk about their shock, disbelief, bewilderment, anger, loneliness and more. But the stories also show their resilience and the different ways in which they, as parents, address their grief and learn to live with it.
Krissy’s experiences of listening to, and supporting, many of her friends and others who have lost children underpin her belief that there is no such thing as ‘getting over it’ or ‘closure’. Rather, grief changes over time. There are ways to learn to live with the ongoing grief.
There are helpful ways to support those living with grief as well as some very unhelpful things which are often said – usually with the best of intentions.
This book is not an academic study of grief and loss. Nor does it attempt to be a comprehensive ‘self-help’ guide to either parents who have lost a child or those who are supporting them. Yet, as well as the stories themselves showing the range of ways in which people address their loss, this book contains much wisdom about the nature of this type of grief and has helpful suggestions for both grieving parents and for those who support them.
From the Introduction to Please Say Their Name
Over the years I have had a lot of experiences with death. I trained as a nurse. I am now a celebrant. But it was my experiences with so many of my friends and family struggling with a child’s death that have impacted me the most. All the stories in this book are from people I personally know. I have sat with some as they died and have supported friends and parents from the side-line. There are more friends who couldn’t tell their stories just now. Through these times, I often wondered if I was ‘doing it well enough’, and so I asked them to tell me in a few words, what helped the most, or the least. These are their courageous stories.
My experience as a celebrant at the funerals of children of all ages has taught me that we need to listen to those nearest to the child, even if the child is now of adult age, and to stay in touch over the weeks and months ahead. However, our role is not to give an answer, provide a cliché, or to make them feel better.
Everyone grieves in different ways. There is no right word, or response to someone who has had a child die. Some of my friends who have suffered the death of their child tell me there are some words they wish they’d heard from others, and many more that they did hear but which they found unhelpful. But all of them have told me that they wanted to keep hearing their child’s name said with warmth, both immediately after the death and much later, reminding them of the child that they still deeply love.
This book is written to honour these friends and family members, and their deep losses through the death of their child. They have had their child die. With a gaping hole inside them, they have had to carry on and do life.
In writing this book, I have two audiences in mind. First, for parents, their families, and friends, who have experienced the death of a child. This is to affirm that you are not alone in having experienced such a loss, although you may feel very alone.
Secondly, this book is also written for those of us who are supporters of parents and their families in times of a death of a child. At this time, we can feel deeply inadequate to know what to say to make friends or family members ‘feel better’, so they can be ‘back to normal sooner’. I believe there is no ‘back to normal’, but the family must find a new normal, so they can carry on in life. Everyone still needs to eat, sleep, rest and function in a community.
To order a copy please contact Krissy on mark.krissy@xtra.co.nz.
Price: $29.00 plus packing and postage